The Tangle of Grief

When I created my blog it was my intention to weave my personal life lessons into ways of sharing with anyone who happened to read my words in the hopes of offering inspiration and encouragement. After all, my “life mission statement” is to share that which I know, what I have learned, and experienced, with others to help them on their journey.

With that being said, I have been gathering my thoughts as I find myself once again in the valley of grief.

My one and only brother passed away last week.

He was a young 54 years old. It was quite sudden and unexpected even though he had a slew of medical issues.

I continue to sort through my personal thoughts and feelings and little by little they emerge. Nothing I go through is lost on me; I see everything as valuable life lessons.

To give you a super-quick synopsis and background to help you understand I will tell you that my brother had lived a life full of bad choices and crazy experiences ending in tons of regret and subsequent consequences that were irreparable.

All that equals a tough life.

Amidst the years of struggle and heartache we became disjointed and did not have contact for about 10 years.

That’s a very long time.

Then one day my brother reached out to me to reconnect. I was quite hesitant (that is an understatement) but given our situation it was also totally understandable. Yet my heart wanted desperately to give him the opportunity to share his heart with me, however it would turn out.

It took simply being together for the years to melt away. Forgiveness and healing are the most powerful gifts God has given us and I felt both of those immediately.

This tells me it had nothing to do with me, but it was all God.

Over the following year and a half-ish we shared life and almost daily phone calls or texts. It was good. He was working on rebuilding his life anew, having surrendered his heart and life to God. Thank you Jesus!!

It was a tough journey with so many struggles, yet amidst it we had forged a new and beautiful relationship. In hindsight I feel it was better than it had ever been.

I will be forever grateful that God allowed us to reconnect and finally become close for this last chapter of my brother’s life.

But the lesson….or should I say one of the lessons;

Grief has a way of tangling up our thoughts and heart strings and I was struggling with thoughts of wondering/hoping my brother knew how much I loved him. The enemy thrives on creating anxious thoughts, and doubt. I was in that mode when I received a sympathy card from one of my dearest friends… it was sweet, touching, and as I read her words it hit me to the core of my heart. “I am so very thankful that you and your brother had the restored sweet relationship that you did. He loved you so much, but more importantly he knew you loved him.”

More importantly....he knew...you loved him.

Oh how God knew I needed to hear that. To remind myself of the truth. To remove all doubt that had crept in.

Grief is tough. I’ve been through enough of it to know it is very unpredictable, sneaky, painful, exhausting.

It is just plain ole messy.

What I also know is that my God is bigger than ANYTHING! Bigger than my doubts and definitely bigger than my grief.

I will continue traveling this grief path knowing that it takes time, lots of time, and I will be good to myself, not beating myself up but listening to Gods voice over the enemies slithery tactics.

If you too are on this unwanted path of grief, (so many are) I want to encourage you to “be good to yourself.” Much of this journey is steeped in doubt, regret (that is a BIGGIE!), and anxiousness and they all heap up on you, smothering the heck out of you. I want you to begin letting them fall off, no longer holding you down.

Pilfer through the pile and feel the feelings you need to but do not allow them to hold you down or hang on longer than necessary.

It’s a tricky path this grief journey and sometimes we need help to get through it. I am here for you if you need a partner to walk down hand in hand. My life coaching is just that, the comfort of someone to help navigate the rugged terrain.

Grief is messy BUT God is good and He does good.

Much love and blessings to you in this difficult time